Just Breathe

The perfect setting... here we go all over again, the same shit happens to me... I started putting black stars in my agenda, marking the days that the self loathing blinds me and sucks me down and under again and again. No stop to it. Last time was 2 weeks ago. I lasted for 4 days. Now, it's stronger with no point of culmination, because this time it has no trigger - it's just there. May be it's because I keep playing away it every person I meet. No matter how good the chat-sex is or how fun it is to pretend that it's all exciting beyond belief, the truth is that I have been there, I have cried these tears once, twice an infinity of times before. They don't change. The salt levels never drop. One would think that the essence of the tears would change with time. The more you shed the less salty they would get. But no! They don't they stay the same, they don't dry and never recede.

I look around and i see my desk. I would like to say that there is an elegant glass of wine, or even a tacky a glass ow something strong, you preference, but no... there is food, just food, a lot of food, as if i could possibly fill that horrible lonely hole inside. I stiff my face, over and over and i only loose the salt of my tears. All else is already gone. No self respect, no self acceptance, no love (give or take). I am tired of waiting. I see myself as a disposable item and i thing everyone else sees me that way. It doesn't matter what they see. I have great juicy boobs, awesome legs, even better ass, and overall it's great to look at me. My eyes are not empty, they don't scream HELP, they smile with joy... And i do shine like the moon. I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT! It doesn't help with the loneliness, or the empty soul, it's just there for the facade of pleasantries. I am tired of facades, fronts with no backs, empty beautiful buildings, and most of all i am tired of shine.

They tell me flat lies, they tell me they are busy, they tell me their computers blew up, that their complicated lives turned unexpectedly like don't live on that planet. Thy tell me they are the exception, that they will do something to bring it all back to the good old past... Fuck you! A big old fuck you, suckers. Your word don't mean shit, they just stay lost into you blunt forgetful actions, so keep them. Just keep it all for yourselves. i simply, no longer care....