This time of year is here again. Comes every time, no matter how I try to avoid it and to stay as detached as possible. They will not come, they rarely come. The important people, the ones I actually want to spend my birthday with are not there. And why do I want to spend this day with them? Well I don’t know. I don’t know what makes them important. May be the wondering thought of why they keep rejecting me.
It’s such a shame. The ones I want reject me, and the ones I don’t want stumble like fools to get to me. It’s pitiful. Do I look so desperately lonely to the people whose attention I want? Am I that ugly and sad and overall needy? Man, I hope not!
Ok, to be fair, one has a really legitimate reason not to come – she has to be her mother’s side when the property is legally divided. That I can respect. Makes me sad, but I respect it. The other one is working. Ok, not much can be done, but then again… sad.
Apparently I am in a desperate need of a steady flow of intimacy. Like a wounded dog. If you give it some attention it just jitters his soul and it makes it more wanting, lonelier. If you leave it alone, it just gets used to it and eventually gets over the loneliness, or alt least learns to burry it deep down.
People are shitty. Just a plain old downer. I want to go back, way back, years ago to the night I broke a heart for the first time and just not do it. That was the root cause of the issue at hand. I judged someone honest and fair to be not good enough, and since I have not been good enough. May be I wasn’t even then, even for then one person, whose love I always trusted.
You’re overreacting! Get a grip. Big deal, 2 people will not come. Another 30 will. May be the cup is half full may be is for the better. I just want a break, I just want to be myself without considering “the game”, me with all the shit, tears, loneliness, strength and honesty. Sucks.
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